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17th April 2008

12:12am: stars align
My position title, I am proud to announce, is now officially Behavioral Support Specialist, wherein I have been promoted as a counselor and advocate for mentally ill clients in the progressive mental health facility where I work. It was with profound elation that I learned of my new job, consisting of traveling on wild field trips and ventures with the clients, in addition to my own office....
Current Mood: ecstatic

20th March 2008

6:38pm: Applause
I dreamed of traveling to work in an uber-efficient, electric-powered, energy-conscious shuttle.

I am now the proud owner of a shiny Toyota Prius Hybrid.
Current Mood: rejuvenated

12th March 2008

11:50pm: Excitement, Apprehension, Growth?
I swell and stretch and expand the world encircling me at armslength ... my outstretched fingertips push against the bubble that encumbers me in the world of work. I have sought opportunities outside of my comfort zone; though, not outside of it sufficiently enough to accommodate any major change... Here I remain, fortunate to be earning money at all given the present outlook. Within my current framework, however, my ambition soars and I am determined to be more valuable. I have engaged in separate discussions with the Director of Operations and he has made me an offer I can't refuse. I am looking towards becoming a Behavior Support Specialist using my degree in the mental health field, a privileged position in my workplace where my degree is indeed needed. Sigh, however no promotion would be complete without several very timely obstacles toward getting there; like for example, not one but two out of two team leaders are leaving the ECS unit just in time for me to be offered BSS; wherein Team Leaders are far more of an immediate need. Of course this warrants being asked to fill one of those positions myself with the eventual promise of BSS work. This is both a let-down and an honor, complicatedly so. On one hand I enjoy my value and indispensability where there exists competition and a need for an acclaimed leader, as well I am excited to work towards a higher goal in Behavior Specialization using my degree. On the other hand, the only reason I am willing to take the CII or III positions is due to my anticipation of this higher goal. I am within this, tremendously apprehensive and slightly put out by the request to fill the II. Now that the full time team leader is also leaving, I do not know what is going to happen. Talk at work is that the II has been filled. I don't know if it has or if I am that person.

Tomorrow or the next day I expect to hear something. I am taking this in stride as I can, though clearly apprehensive about my future experiences and the length and nature of my occupancy; tomorrow may the stars align...
Current Mood: anxious

30th January 2008

9:07am: every day is a winding road...
I find myself in a mix of emotions taking the form of aimlessness and inability to know myself or make long-term choices. I was not chosen for the position of Special Recreation Supervisor at Willamalane; though by now that seems so long ago and far away.

I am feeling a strange restlessness that seems to crave spontaneity in accordance with some familiarity, and also my level of expertise remains unclear to me. Who am I to say I know how to solve problems and treat those who are considered "mentally ill"? Who am I to claim that I would make a great HR manager just because I have a degree?

I am enjoying working the noc (graveyard) shift within my caregiving job, the same job as I have held three times over the past ten years (count 'em, ten, yikes!) and back to full-time status and recently promoted. I am earning some (not a lot) of money and catching up with the big boom that occurs when one discontinues receipt of school grants ... Within this I am becoming more in touch with myself through carefully earning for my family (a grand feeling) and, at the same time, not wanting to "settle" for the smallish wages I returned to school to rebel against. In addition it is easy, but I apply minimal mental exertion and mostly physical/emotional. It seems as if I am ready for more, but I don't always know.

Nonetheless, in the interest of money, I have applied for several jobs over the last two weeks. I already have a second interview on Friday for a cool place, though am much less excited about this job because it doesn't pay well (starting wage is nearly what I make already, sigh) and because I don't know if something better down the road is waiting for me. I could always give it a shot, but in the same vein, may not be a worth dumping my old job. Sigh. I have so much to think about I could just explode..
Ideally I guess I could stay where I am and move on up, though it may be more stress than it's really worth. There are lots of levels and different jobs there, though some of them I wouldn't volunteer for long-term. I don't know if I am not considered qualified for the upper executive positions or if folks just assume that I am on to new things since I have been caregiving for so long. Perhaps I am just needing to put myself out there. I was asked the other day to be promoted again, after only a couple of days being promoted. Perhaps I am being too hard on myself, after all...

I need to sit down and figure out the best approaches to all of my potential patrons, they need to know what I can do for them.
Current Mood: confused

11th November 2007

4:00am: I may have mentioned applying for a position with Willamalane Park and Recreation District as Early Childhood Education and Specialized Recreation Supervisor for the new recreational facility in Springfield. I was fortunate enough to have been among the finalists interviewed for the position(!) My interview was Friday, November ninth and was met with anxiety and some relief after having prepared so zealously, now appropriately adorned for the occasion. The panel asked a series of questions to which I answered the best I could under the spotlight. The answers came to me as I began to speak, though I was nervous; and although I thought I answered pretty damn well under pressure, looking back on the experience, I am truly unaware of how I was received. I can only speculate as I patiently wait out the one to two week period. If a second interview is warranted I am certain to have the job. But if I am not called, I must not despair. After all, it was only my very first interview for a professional job on a panel, no less. There are other finalists in competition. I was assured that my resume was highly impressive and that they really wanted to “just get to know me” which elicited the idea that perhaps in some manner I'd already been chosen; though, maybe the other finalists' resumes were impeccable, too. I find myself going back and forth in thought. It may behoove me to forget about the position altogether for now...

Difficult it is to imagine an enormous shift in my life as I make this transition. Writing my last papers, taking my last exams, fighting the very last battles of campus life, feeling the culmination of it all coming to a head as I know how close to the end I am, with only three remaining weeks, yikes! Excited I am, truly, I am ready to be done. Retrospectively, I cant imagine being a professional, having a “real” job, having important and challenging real life problems to solve, doing what I love and having my time also occupied; in some ways I'm not so sure I am ready; in others, I feel the inevitability of it all... this is a shift in my routine like no other ever will resemble..

Today was my daughter Carli's tenth birthday. I can hardly illustrate the feelings I have inside, reminiscing the time of her birth and all the time in between up through this moment... it is truly amazing seeing and feeling her growth and mine over the years, difficult and incredible comes the belief that a decade had passed, and what this means in terms phases, as though I've reached a new age of maturity, too.

Now that I am less occupied with school and papers to write, so shall I be more inclined to update here. La langua de mi aprender toma muchas formas...
Current Mood: awake

7th November 2007

6:53am: transformation of silence into action (Audre Lorde Style)
There come specific times in one's life when control is regained, when the transformation of silence into action ensues, and when one realizes her potential and truly owns it. This is a process that waxes and wanes quite often, but gains confirmation of its nature through significant shifts where accepting ownership of one's accomplishments and abilities marks the result of lengthy, arduous struggle. When the event occurs, one owns control, realizing, perhaps for the first time, the correctness of it all; the succinct perfection of herself in time in space, observing eventuality as it should be, as it should be...

On Friday I will be interviewing for the position of Early Childhood and Specialized Recreation Supervisor for a major park and recreation district in an adjacent city. It occurred to me that, had I continued my education rather than planned to enter the workforce, my marketability with a higher degree would be very different and complicated. Rather, I am feeling contented with my choice.

I went shopping today for a couple of “power suits”, one of which I will be wearing to said interview. The interview will take place on a panel and I hope to conduct myself well. Even if I am not chosen, I now feel a sense of security in that future interests will have similar potential...

I am high with hope, inspiration and creativity as I rediscover myself, owning my potential and confidence in my capacities. This is such a transformation given the family I had, the life I have lead, the struggles I have endured. I owe so much to those who supported me; I am ready to take the next step forward; I am content with my place being entirely right in the world.
Current Mood: anxious

30th October 2007

8:57pm: I require a You to become, becoming I, I say You...
I proudly picked up a copy of Martin Buber's German philosophy under its acclaimed English translation entitled "I and Thou". His explanations on the nature of identity and human nature are intense and inspiring, though one must patiently read and re-read until the poetry's truest, deepest meaning comes to focus and then surrender to the visions that follow...

The statement above reflects the idea that the concept of the self is only possible with the inclusion of others. Buber illustrates the ways in which people relate to one another as "its" or "yous". One can only engage in I-You with one's whole being; usually we don't engage with most random people but ignore them; and the ironic melancholy, as he frames it, is that people never will have the energy to engage in I-you relations with everyone they encounter. At some point I recall he discusses a tree and explains that a tree before us must deal with us, at least on some level, or in some way. This very sense of engagement, of commitment, of reciprocity if you will, is what constitutes the I-you; differentiating it from the I-it.

I am craving interesting perspective for myself; I fear I've reached a mental standstill and need perspective, identity, and music back into my life after having filled myself so full of obligations, always fulfilling assignments and duties, always with my nose to the grindstone, focused earnestly and thinking about so many other things, but never about myself. This journey I expect will take time but is already feeling catharsis...
11:35am: ...Finding myself enveloped in the livelihood of randomness and spontaneity, allowing myself slowness of motion as this phase moves through, almost as if my body cannot wait for the next phase, and yet, I am taking my own luscious time, intermittently, I drip with wonder and spirit... I want to feel the riveting of intellectual curiosity and epitome, the energy of the Yogis' two thousand year old religious doctrine, the beauty and movement of my body, the connectedness of all things together in highly diversified, ever-evolving nature... the ability to keep calm and sanctuary space... and retaining feelings of wonder and joy that are accorded by simple feelings of love, respect, reading really great poetry, or coffee with someone who really cares for you.

More than ever, I learn and grow, I am locked in, but simultaneously more flexible than I've ever been... life is slow but constant, I have no desire to speed up its pace and I realize that I am truly independent.

In two hours I will arrive at Yoga, where my energy can be renewed and released simultaneously, where I can be allowed, forced, to relax, to meditate, to appreciate the energy and respect for all life that is gifted and that exists in perfect quiet harmony.

There is much I aspire towards, seemingly small things, but can barely muster the willpower to do... there are things to do and decisions to be made... and yet I am exhausted by the power of my own mind and the pressure of constant maintenance on myself, my home... pure relaxation will be my savior as I imagine my worries away; until then I must push myself towards productive ends, doing those projects that will ultimately satisfy my spirit.

Hopefully an update will ensue...
Current Mood: tired
12:55am: inspiration
Perhaps a most intense turning point of my life is upon me now. For the first time, I have learned to nurture myself emotionally, relationally. For the first time, I have learned to apply principles to my idealized ways of thinking that work for me, and that bear little consequence or responsibility onto another... For the first time I am being real with myself regarding my strengths, weaknesses and feelings ... for the first time, I am launching into the dog-eat-dog world of professionalism as school ends and the search for work begins ... and for the first time, experiencing delicious personal time that is unencumbered by the pull of the outside world...

It seems I am most in control when I realize how in control I am not; similarly, as Socrates noted that true knowledge lies in the realization that one knows nothing... the same must be true of control. Relationally, the elements are so beautifully bittersweet. Stable and yet unpredictable; I am altogether both ecstatic and melancholy; never quite knowing the status quo, but going with it... it would seem that every problem that stems has its cycle in growth and resolution... the better part of six years does something to ease my insecurities... and my heart grows heavier each day with awe and admiration.

I love my daughters, I love my kitties, my fish aquarium, and doing Yoga... I love my independence, my capability, the realization that I am the first in my family to graduate college... I love my friends who are so dear and sweet to me...

I fear and anticipate what comes ahead... my energy is with the universe and the universe embraces me... I hope never to lose this feeling...
Current Mood: sleepy

29th September 2007

2:39am: Elements of thinking and being transcending time and space...
“doing” is my mode... today I was wonderfully enthusiastic and feeling a sense of awe in the synchronicities of one simple day, a day filled with work and intermittent personal pleasures, and intertwined with feelings of relief and depth, nothing was bringing me down today... I feel the changing of seasons and the definitive lapse of time, signaling forseeable and exciting ends, closing the process of my education...

I have executed acrobatic magic in order to swindle and thwart logistical and financial issues as I struggle to reach the finish line free and clear and in control, to do this alongside work and parenting, as always but not by any means easily, holding on for one more ride and not losing this wonderful sense of self, newness, and wonder all in the process...

In the end, I have picked up two additional courses, yoga and self defense, as satisfiers for my lenders who need to see half time status, but even moreso for personal fulfillment as I cry out and kick the padded wall repeatedly, then release and relax with exercise of my body and mind. These are ways of caring for myself that I have only practiced intermittently, and not altogether consistently well. I am so blessed for this process, the process of climbing up, enveloped, pushing, inching outward, opening up, like a butterfly.... seeing the transformation of my new world, thinking my thoughts in newfound freedom, the segueing of chapters, the application of my wisdom, the current of change upon me...
Current Mood: accomplished

19th September 2007

12:48am: Actualization Pt. II, Choices...
As one chapter is seen to its end, the next prepares for beginning. The universe gifts me with time and solitude, enough to learn, if forcefully, who I am and what I am about, in determining the shape of which subsequent chapters will begin...

Beginning is the process of space-orientation and the health and wealth of the body and mind. I force myself into Pilates for an hour, then organizing, playing, engaging in zen activities such as replenishing the aquarium housing my beloved fish and frogs, reading tarot, and caring for the body whether that be random stimulation or consuming acidophilus yogurt, St. John's Wort, and china green tea tips for vitality and longevity...

Logistics consist of writing and submitting applications for professional positions including human resources, counseling, and administration, and though this process is work, it is work directly unto myself and a measure of success towards very tangible ends. Failings are only the odds in a situation where many resumes are passed around simultaneously, odds are increased through my attempt and there will inevitably be a winner. It feels amazing getting to experience living and breathing in real time without being plagued down by books and deadlines. I can spend as little or as much time as I choose to on any given activity, focusing on what is important momentarily but not considering anything excessively where possible.

Relationships are a whole new enterprise and attempting to separate myself from certain emotions or ties has proven impossible... I have my friends, my lover, pseudo lover, whatever this is, and my friends, who I love dearly and who support me well. I have my daughters, who do not confuse me but infuse me with growing love and amazement each new day. I may not always know the intentions or feelings of others, as change is the only constant, but bearing this in mind, I adopt some very Buddhist process...
Current Mood: creative

16th September 2007

11:35pm: actualization pt. I
There is a tangible relationship between my body and mind... the lightness of a lover's kiss or the gripping inside of my stomach are signals... how I interpret them is up to me but they exist, all the same. I know my mind contains the ability to transcend any reality but in some ways, chooses to remain in a prison...

Change is the only constant in life... I question and caution myself as my emotions rise, fall and collide, registering a deep love and appreciation for all that I am and everything in the world, or else a deep-seated sense of fear and disappointment for love and things to come... my consciousness strives to know the meaning of this opposition, I feel frequently confused and experience vivid and even sometimes lucid dreams. My psyche cannot interpret complex feelings without knowing which parts are real or elusive to me...

I am ever-enveloped in the process of learning, finding/knowing strength, and quenching happiness though often seemingly through false sense and means... I yearn to feel powerful and alive... I strive to find it within me though I realize I must react to the external; I think I can find inner peace during difficult times through a shift in perspective and hard, disciplined meditation. I must force myself to find the center... to find the core of my being that is as powerful as my body during my most physical movements... these, I do believe have he power to manifest only my deepest, truest, most centered self lending to more appreciation and authentic sense of well-being that I know exists. Within this the choice to remain consciously motivated towards this end with high perspective is the goal in mind...
Current Mood: contemplative

15th September 2007

2:25am: Learning...
Funny how life is always shape-shifting and how the mind manifests its reality through thought. In my philosophy of human nature class I remember debating over whether people's lives and regular everyday thoughts and patterns of interaction are influenced by little pieces of our experience. Although this seems obvious to me, at least two people in that class were openly against the idea that they were even slightly influenced in this way. But I instantly started becoming aware of all the times someone said something to me that stuck in my mind, and how small specs of wisdom or words have changed my thinking forever.

We are all students of life as we strive to create and comprehend meaning. Tonight, as I was at this party feeling sort of isolated, I overheard some women having a conversation about an author who appeared on Oprah, who was talking about Happiness and how real happiness comes from within, and not from something or someone external. This may be another example of an idea that will stick with me, continuing to influence how I feel about happiness. Specs of wisdom sometimes just come from being at the right place at the right time. This idea that happiness comes from within also seems obvious to me, but somehow hearing this tonight has secured my thinking about happiness as an internal deal. Happiness is a subject that I have spent some time thinking about lately; an issue that comes up repeatedly as I am spending a lot of time alone, contemplating myself, contemplating my relationship, contemplating who I am and what the hell it is I'd like to be doing. There is so much in my past and in my childhood that I think predisposes me toward some of the internal issues that I have pertaining to happiness. According to this author though, a person who generally happy will always be. This leads me to wonder where I am on this scale if this is to be believed. Like, am I a happy person? I think yes, but I also feel malleable in temperament and often feel deliciously melancholy. So much of my thinking so obviously comes from external sources as well.

I would probably know nothing if I didn't just listen to and appreciate others' outlooks on life, perhaps people who are smarter than I. But I also have learned to take each idea with an inkling of doubt as there appear to be a thousand other ideas that make as much sense that diametrically oppose, negate, or estrange the previous "truth". None of the philosophy I have studied reveals “the real truth.” A psychologist could qualify my moods easily, I am guessing, with a look into my past and present, and probably see what I see and these moods could be chalked up to hormonal imbalance or synaptic process in my brain reacting to my experience and circumstances. A spiritualist would find my chakras severely imbalanced, and a dietitian would probably have me eating fish liver oil.

How does one know happiness if they have never experienced it? I think I would like to give up thinking in absolutes. I don't always know what people mean when they say they are healthy, in love, or happy. I figure I just am and that's it. But I probably will try to do this more spiritually in the spirit of forgetting the absolutes, as Socrates searched for truth by eliminating commonly held beliefs and assumptions about reality...

Through asking more and more questions, I learn about the complex world and myself inside of it....
Current Mood: weird

13th September 2007

11:46pm: bittersweet symphony
I still think about this journal intermittently, as a catalogue of my life that now appears to be missing huge chunks.

Graduating from college this fall, I find myself breathing again as I enjoy the gift of time before me... instead of constant occupation with literature (reading and writing it), I am finally getting to reflect on the self; learning who I am, what I like and dislike, and what is most fun, applying everything I've learned over the last four years of intensive schooling to my life -- being critical and making choices that affect myself and my family... within this I discover not only who I truly am, but who it is I want to become.

For the first time, I have my own opinions around controversial facts, ideas about the nature of things and what should be. I am no longer uncomfortable at being neutral where no easy answers exist. I am more clear and concise, calm and reserved, intelligent and naive, all at the same time.

I am working nights at Gateway as I struggle to finish the tail end of school and pay my ever-demanding bills. I didn't know how this night shift would be, but I am enjoying the quiet solitude during a time in my life when I need to embrace it... simultaneously, I search endlessly for a real job doing anything that pays. I read self-help books, practice tarot, play computer games, think, write, exercise, go out with friends, and organize my space endlessly. I can take the time to cook meals for myself and the girls; to get the girls to and from school; to read what I want to/when I want to, to be there for the girls through homework times, mealtimes, TV time and sleepytime...I so enjoy being mom and just being me for a change.

I find myself in solitude romantically and in all other ways. I never know what shape my relationship seems to take, but at the same time, and perhaps ironically, this is not overly bothersome as it would have been earlier in my life or maybe even as it should be (?) I find myself more patient and less demanding of others. I am different from other people in that I prioritize differently and hold entirely different values that appear less intense or not congruent with western expectations and "the norm". I am accused of making excuses for my partner or pseudopartner but I rationalize these with the thinking that others don't see the picture of the connection we have or have the capacity to understand his sensibility. My emotions take on lately a vegetative and otherwise openly giving state. It is difficult to believe that I should have so much emotional giving energy when I have been recently so spent. Being a cancer yields some answer to this question. Something about my soft nature appreciates the selfless loving and giving; and he gives me reasons to stay by offering the gift of communication. Yes I suppose flight is up to me; it would be a reasonable action if I chose this course. However I spend more time analyzing whether the shape my emotions take as of late are healthy or an unhealthy response to a lot of stress and confusion that I'm just afraid to confront as things shift. I am less concerned with labeling the relationship as something or pertaining to what my partner is feeling or doing. This is so different from how I might have reacted to the exact same situation several years ago. I am changing, all right... for now I feel contented in the bittersweetness of this symphony as I just experience the music...
Current Mood: awake

1st April 2007

2:52am: Deprogramming...
I am going through something. I also note that the month of March is always one of introspection for me as many of my life's events are rooted in that month, I note also my one year moving anniversary, difficult to believe I have been back in the 'hood for an entire year already...
I seem to have stopped writing like this for awhile, but these days I am emotionally charged and full of theory. My sensory feels somewhat distorted and I am aware of the smaller things in deeper and more meaningful ways, and with a new desire to understand my surroundings. Without a doubt, school has rendered me wiser and more capable, and simultaneously, I am bursting with energies from the inside.

I am not a child anymore but I sometimes feel I may never fully deprogram myself of messages that damaged me throughout my childhood, teenage years, early adulthood, and that continue to to this day. For this, I dafault to blaming my mother who I feel has destroyed her own life and those of her children and it has taken me at least this long to a)stop judging myself in terms of moral ideals that have no basis in my own reality and b)emotionally distance myself without regret.

Seemingly tragic, but my story is inspired as I have relieved myself of so much responsibility and pain. My mother has been an alcoholic for most of her life and has not been any source of support for me or my siblings. Although my path has been successful, I feel that I have already spoiled it by my mother's standards in terms of "mistakes" I made in the past that are never ever spoken of, such as my choices to have children and to get married. I do not see these as mistakes, but I do know that these minor descrepancies in perspective are the reason that I will never be the daughter that my mother really wanted; I rejected the Matrix. Having said that, I feel blessed because I think the universe has bestowed me a special gift... in that I am handed situations that I might be capable of managing...obstacles that I may truly be equipped to traverse, and it is with great responsibility and I am doing what I can with my experience, as a parent, student, professional... analogizing the Matrix as the system that oppresses us can help us to heal and to work toward change; I am doing things with a conscience every day towards really drinking in my surroundings and applying myself through pragmatic and truly beneficial means...
Current Mood: weird

30th March 2007

2:23am: I am a Worthy Woman...
While this blog is a work in progress; I certainly haven't written anything that wasn't school-related in light years..
I just recently returned home from a vacation with my lover and the gaggle of little people...we camped outside of a yurt for a few days at a park along the Oregon coast and then checked into a hotel resort right along the beach for another few days. Although we had fun, we are tired and happy to be back in our little homes... So I am sitting here and being introspective and thinking that I am always doing things for others... with hardly any time leftover I usually don't use it for myself. Gradually though, over the last few years, and most notably over the last year, I am accommodating myself more, thinking of myself more, valuing my time more and giving less attention to things that simply do not serve.... regardless of their theoretical space; what I mean by this is that I am overcoming judgments in a sense and trusting myself more, and effectually healing from past corruptions.
Within this I add this entry, a small if incomprehensible blurb that cries out "I am a worthy woman!"

26th December 2006

10:03am: Priorities
Christmas can most definitely signify an interesting as well as important time of reflection for people. My personal Christmas is a morning/afternoon/evening spent with my daughters, watching them opening the gifts I bought them in bright-eyed excitement, having that fresh morning coffee, and cooking their breakfast. For me, Christmas day is THE day, if only an extension of the shopping, wrapping, decorating, stocking stuffing what-have-you, that was put forth weeks, days, the night before...

Everyone has different priorities on Christmas. Christmas has certainly changed for me over the last few years as my family have changed; my mother, her husband, and the extended family. My mother has changed so much, but of course a trip to her house on that magic day is obligatory. I didn't buy gifts for anyone but my daughters, mostly because of cost. My mother, she used to put so much thought into Christmas...
Now, I'd rather just stay home.

What about you, I ask? What/Who are your priorities on Christmas? What makes Christmas most magical or exciting (honestly) to you, and why? What is your (practical) ideal xmas, and what priorities make it so?
Current Mood: resigned

28th May 2006

1:48pm: freewrite
That which
should be thought
should be felt
should be valued

what should be correct


minds of one kind

their shared meanings
are our secrets
inside the spectrum
Current Mood: listless

27th February 2006

3:49pm: tales from the rubberband...
She doesn't know how much farther she can stretch without altogether snapping in two...


It's that magic time. I'm disliking UO more and more as I become accustomed to the oddball class-scheduling they've got going on. I am finding it difficult to schedule things, because most classes are offered at the same time, or are very long, or for other reasons conflict with one another, or else what I want to take isn't being offered that term. They also have a weird off-again, on-again priority scheduling system. Apparently I am still spoiled on the ease of community college...

As if regular daily life isn't stressful enough, my grandma is having knee surgery next month. My 70-year-old grandma rocks -- she takes care of my disabled grandpa full-time, and she manages to pick Kate up from kindergarten every day at 11 am. I am excited about my grandma's double-knee replacement because it is something she has been in need of for quite some time, and she is finally getting to do it. I am also quite concerned about how she will come out of surgery.

The other side of this is, that there are some obvious shifts needing to occur, one) my mother is taking care of grandpa while my grandma is in rehab... mom is NOT in a good place to do this at this time, so I'm worried and have been on the phone with senior disabled services trying to get my mom some help. Two) Kaitlyn I am getting into a daycare center for after school each day until I can pick her up at 230. Liz is going to help with transport a few days a week so I don't fall apart at the seams trying to accommodate (and pay for) everything.

I am trying to get Carli into spring soccer... Tim has volunteered to foot the bill on this and for that we are extremely grateful to him...thank you, thank you, thank you, to the Tim...who continues to take care of us...

Kate will (hopefully) be back in ballet next term as well, though how i am going to coordinate all this I'm not sure.

I have some papers due by the end of the term, my spanish is heavy and I may not be able to boost my grade by the end of the term enough to be able to enter the next section:(. I am sad, and, just sort of resigned to this reality.

I am working on a term-project that is basically a scrapbook. I am adding pictures and essays to the book. As well I have a ton of reading, and finals to anticipate... This is going to take HOURS, and days.

the College of Ed:
I have a HUGE application to finish and return that HAS to be done by the 3rd. I am counting the days and still I don't have the professional letter of rec that I need because no teacher that I've emailed has returned my emails/calls. Last time I asked for letters of rec I had no trouble...
everyone is apparently busy, too.

Everyone, PLEASE put your good energy towards these things... I just might pull it all off:)
Current Mood: stressed

1st February 2006

12:35pm: the search for clarity...
Doing a lot of thinking.... working on reconciling thoughts/feelings...going back and forth often in processes where I am sad/discontented/angry; trying to figure out what my values are, and ranking them simultaneously in efforts to strike the perfect balances that define me; that make sense for me...

I am taking responsibility and holding my own ... releasing old, unproductive tendencies, such as blame, etc... but feeling okay exerting negativity in amounts and places wherein its existence is sufficiently warranted ...

Striking an okayness with where I am at has been a journey... a long one, at that, and I have along way to go yet, developing new strength every inch of the way.
Current Mood: determined

24th January 2006

12:56am: stuff i don't understand
why are humans so inherently doomed to fail?
Just interactionwise, people are constantly driving one another other to the brink of insanity; it even happens to those of us who consider ourselves peaceful beings...

People are too complicated for themselves. It just goes to show.
Current Mood: apathetic

26th December 2005

10:03pm: Christmas cheer? Anybody?
Yeah, I haven't been a consistent LJ-er... what's a slice of one person's life worth, anyway (?)...

I have been busy... working and playing and enjoying winter vacation while it lasts. I have been reflecting a lot on times past... mostly on the happenings of the previous year as well as THIS time last year... so much has happened and I have achieved more growth in 2005 than I could have imagined was possible...

I can't possibly catch up in this entry... so, starting with the most recent of events (Christmas), I conclude that ours was pretty rockin', which says a lot, all Christmases considered. The girls, of course made out like Bandits. I have worked my hind-end off since around Thanksgiving... shopping, shopping, shopping...preparing...add house-projects and a few December birthdays! Game cube, video games, slushee maker, clothes, accessories, books, toys...you name it, they scored it.

A kind friend helped us to decorate the tree this year... as well he assisted me in present-wrapping; a caper that lasted until the early AM. Without his help and company... I might have become very looney... not to mention, tired. And as if that wasn't enough... he sneaked a gift in here for me (or at least, attempted to sneak, hehehe)... I opened it after midnight on Xmas eve. Definitely, one of THE greatest gifts in a lifetime-- the handcrafted, special-imported dragon Bamboo chime, about which i was so recently raving =P It was deliciously unexpected, my cheeks started warming up and I just melted instantly. I am still pondering on what i could have done to deserve this...

I guess it seems necessary to add here that this was my first Christmas as a single woman after several years. Part of the reflection process... remembering what I did before... seeing myself from then to now, recognizing growth...and what it feels like to be okay...

I saw the Chronicles of Narnia with Tim and Ian this last week. That was an extremely busy week and weekend... but very fun:) I am delved pretty deep into some house projects at the moment. I started with some deep cleaning of the back of the house...the masterbedroom, bath and den... cleared out a closet and have been Freecycling a ton; mostly giving things up. Today i fixed the frames of some freecycled art prints. The wood was chipped on some of the frames, and so i used a brown crayon that matched the stain color, colored in the chips, and then i used a little canola oil to polish the frames; as well it buffed the crayon out and so the chips have magically disappeared:). I rearranged and dusted the alter, a VERY special, and much needed process. It feels like I am freshening up for the new year. THere is more... hopefully I can continue to update on the progress.

Happy new year, my people... Be well, all of you...

9th November 2005

5:04pm: tooting my horn
I got my essay exam back in Soc 310. I got 101 percent; that's 100 percent performance on the bulk of the exam, plus the bonus questions. I'm pretty sure this means that I rule.
Current Mood: pleased

24th October 2005

1:17am: sedate poetry
silent yellow marigold
proliferates the air,
the soil, the sunshine
-- elements of a simple existence

her pungeant flavors,
summoning the earth surrounding
as pheromones who call to
only busy bees
frequenting soilbeds

how does this marigold feel of itself
standing tall as the other marigolds
with shapely blossoms
swaying and singing
petals ripe and lush
and emanating spring

creature so pure and so zen,
doesn't seem to regard much this stranger,
buzzing in

may she shift and shiver slightly
as her suitor settles...
may she groan so lowly that only earthworms hear her

as nectar is tasted, nourishing
and her blossom's core, penetrated
by pockets of sticky pollen

Blithering and swaying in warm air
silent breath
soil and sunshine
elements of a simple existence
Current Mood: sleepy

18th October 2005

11:26pm: poetry
strange, what comes out sometimes... nevertheless, a little bedtime snack:


thread by thread
strength emanates from weakness
learned, she replaces the fragments
with deliberation
and promise

dime by dime
a jar's vague concept of depletion
a parking meter's absolution
forgotten gloves, again

the wind remembers to cry her name, more than ever now
the flaws in teflon pots begin to show
boots clop on the sidewalk more distinctive, now
her own masculinity as well, revealed

open and closed,
obnoxious and humbled,
realities are for choosing from the surface

betwixt sensuality and needlessless
her calmness, and her fervor
she crochets one more tear into tranquility

trickle by trickle
minutes whispered pretty thoughts
seeping in and out of cracks, like water

when sommerset looms beyond the crisp
older details woven into dust
she forgets to measure buttons and
nickels and
the value of a heavy heart

thread by thread
taste by taste,
one more stitch to emancipation
Current Mood: sleepy
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